There is a lone traveler, a teenage boy, trotting down the empty road. Carrying nothing but a package, he is calm but wary. He is already behind schedule--he should have reached the checkpoint an hour ago. The man was going to have his head for this.
The traveler stops dead in his tracks. He does a slow, deliberate check of his surroundings. The eyes--he feels them. He knows they are there, but he doesn't know where "there" is. He clutches the small box in his hand, standing still as stone. His eyes dart back and forth, waiting.
A nearby bush rattles ever-so-slightly, and not by force of the wind. He sees it.
The boy, without a moment's hesitation, darts down the road. Looking back, he counts two of them. He lowers his head and ventures on.
Suddenly, in the distance a great mass looms. Another squad of the enemy. The boy veers off course into an abandoned building. He takes refuge behind a rusty machine.
The boy checks the time--the contents of the package would expire in just five minutes. He needs to get out; exiting the locker, he leaves through the back door and meets a godsend--an elevator. He gets in and pushes the only button. Emerging from his musty confines, he cannot resist a cough. The enemies hear him; he runs.
The checkpoint is in sight! He is going to do it--he will succeed!
The shouts of his pursuers do not fade; they get louder. Maybe he isn't going to succeed. The boy feels a sharp pain in his ribs, followed by the feeling of weightlessness one gets from being airborne. The enemy is tackling him. He passes out.
The boy wakes up to the smirking faces of his best friends. They taunt him on his loss. He hands over the ball they pretend is a package, and in return they pick him up from the floor and dust him off. Laughing, the boys walk off into the distance.
Your treatment is really good. I still don't quite know what it is about, but I feel its about a boy playing a game with his friends. My first thought was that it was a buy, and that he was supposed to deliver a package that contains a bomb inside. I would like to see a script for this, and also I can see how time is manipulated.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds to me like you're doing a play off a football game. It sounds like your using this package as a metaphor, and I like that because it can play as symbol or a motif. Maybe we can use some of these ideas like that of the important package or being late or whatever.
ReplyDeleteThis is a pretty good treatment to build off of. It vagueness helps make it a piece that could really make a good short film.
ReplyDeleteThis treatment is really good and I agree with Xeryus that this could make a really good short film. To me, it seems like a mixture of Call of Duty and a football game, and I think there could be a little more use of time in the treatment but good job.
ReplyDeleteSo ya as everyone's been saying I really liked this. The tension and anticipation you build up is really good and got me really interested. I like your portrayal of time and how you use time to really intensify the situation. The only thing I think could really be added to this is possibly a more climatic conclusion. I think that maybe if it was like football then he would have a goal that actually exists. And I didn't quite understand why he runs through a wear house and stuff with a ball.
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